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Dating Online VS Offline - What's The Deal? How Singles Can Relate?

Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan weren't the first online loves to meet in person. In fact, their hit movie You've Got Mail was probably inspired by the ever-evolving role that the Internet has already assumed in the dating scene. America On Line (AOL) had long--in Internet time--been famous for having brought thousands of couples together. Still dozens of other online communities have had increasing numbers of romantic success stories. And even top magazines like People have touted cover stories about the trend toward online love. Yup, looks like it's mainstream now.

I think most people believe that there's someone "out there" for them, but more often than not are having trouble finding that person, say, right next door. With the birth of the Net, "out there" is becoming a place that we can actually reach, and love is running rampant on the World Wide Web.

It's inspiring and wildly romantic, but there is a catch:

The computer affords us the opportunity to communicate not only with people who are conveniently close by, but also with those who might be thousands of miles away on another continent. So what happens when Sheri* from New Zealand meets her soulmate Tom* in a chat room, only to find out that he's from Kentucky? Well, for one thing, she spends an awful lot of her time learning about immigration!

It never would have occurred to me that most of our site visitors who are seeking information on marriage-based immigration--were couples who have met online. (Here's an observation that should have clued me in: never in the history of love and romance have people been known to take the rational route.)

Only by interacting with our online community pretty extensively did it begin to dawn on me that this is indeed the pattern with the vast majority of spouse-based cases we encounter now. With that sudden burst of enlightenment, I had to take a step back to consider the interesting implications this could have on immigration trends and statistics.

Granted , we are more likely to be contacted by those who have met online and are likewise Internet savvy, than we are to come across a couple who, let's say, met while hiking in the Amazon. Nevertheless, the numbers are surprising, even to a Net junkie like me.

The Dark Side (you knew there had to be one)

The Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS) has long been concerned with the mail order bride business, where young foreign women seek older wealthy men in the USA, presumably for green card benefits. While US matrimonial law accepts these unions as legitimate, the INS recognizes no arranged marriages with very few (religion-based) exceptions. Along the same line and following the same premise, the INS has strict rules requiring that a couple meet in person and be able to prove a bonafide relationship before being eligible for a fiancé visa. The emergence of online love as common place is sure to muddy the waters. I have, for instance, spoken with a number of people who swear to me that they have never loved a soul on earth more than the online love they have yet to meet. In cases where their foreign love is very poor or comes from a country in which US tourists visas are hard to get, the American often wants to initiate a fiancé application even before the two have a chance to physically meet. But such a relationship is not considered legitimate by the INS.

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This raises the necessary question of how genuine online love really is and whether it should be taken seriously enough to constitute a "real" relationship where immigration is concerned.

Susan , an American who moved to Canada to marry her online love Jamie, stresses that "instead of being attracted to physical attributes, through the Internet people are falling in love with the soul of the individual." Susan is none too happy about some of the cynicism and negative publicity love on line has received, and she aims to set the record straight.

"Negative experiences can happen on line or off. There will always be a bad seed around to trick or hurt someone," Jamie adds. But the two insist that the online experience has more pros than cons, and in many ways fosters a better grounded love than in-person meetings do.

Even if the INS does scoff at the legitimacy of online love, it won't effect the majority of lovers, who get together and meet first anyway. This raises a serious question as to how much influence this trend (which is unlikely to subside anytime soon) is going to have on the rate of immigration. There is no limit to the number of immediate relatives, including spouses of US citizens, who are allowed to immigrate each year to the USA. But if the numbers increase substantially, the backlog may become even more insidious than it is right now. How much of an impact online love will have on immigration remains to be seen, but the possibilities for something noticeable are definitely there.

In 1995, spouses of American citizens constituted 17.1% of the 123,238 immigrants into the US. By 1998, it was 22.9% of 151,172 immigrants. This increase is not all that large and could be attributed to other factors. But considering the youth of the Internet and the length of time it takes to finalize immigration papers, we have to wonder if any current statistics can reveal what impact this love-on-line trend might have in the near future.

Charlene , a long-time INS employee with the Houston office, gave us an idea of what she's come across.

"I feel that probably 97%" of those who came into the office were males coming in to the INS office to pick up fiancé visa forms. "After they asked all their questions and it was clear to them what they needed to do, and about how long it would take, I would ask how they met their fiancé," and "I can say that maybe 60-65% of that 97% of males had met their fiancé over the Net, and from there they conversed over the phone, wrote letters and finally met them in person. The other 3% are females and maybe not even 1% percent of them have met their fiancés online. This is not to say that maybe those numbers are higher in other areas of the US, at the Houston office, I just saw a portion of the overall picture. As the Internet grows daily, I'm sure that the fiancé visa petitions will continue to grow in large quantities."

So clearly, INS employees are aware of this growing trend, though they have not done anything to address it, and may never opt to do so.

"There are going to be more and more online loves where one partner has to choose a country," Susan resolves. "And it seems silly," she adds, "that a multi-national corporation can transfer people, product and money across national boundaries with impunity and yet love cannot cross those borders as easily."

Jamie agrees. "We strongly understand the need for laws, however, all governments seem to go from one extreme to another. Used to be, once you were married it was easy. Now, because of some abusing it, they have made it difficult for those of us who really are married and mean it."

"Clearly," Susan points out, "I did not move here for Canadian benefits. I have no job, no house, no land and no family. I gave up everything to come be with Jamie and that should be very clear."

So wait a second! Jamie and Susan are in Canada. And many other of our American visitors are opting to move to their spouse's country in favor of easier immigration laws. Some Canadians are also leaving Canada to live in their fiancé's European or Asian homelands. Does this mean it will all even itself out?

Perhaps between the English-speaking countries, but probably not overall. Only time will tell. But we believe that whatever the precise results, positive, negative or mixed, the Internet is the fast track to globalization. The world's becoming a smaller place, and love on line will have a monumental impact on immigration demographics.

Incidentally, for those who are curious, Peter and I did not meet on line. Despite coming from different countries, it just so happens that we really did find love right next door: we were neighbors.

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Online dating services are fun places to meet new people, and the friends you'll meet online can be the most loving you'll ever know. Chatting online or through email is safe, but meeting someone in person that you've met on the net for the first time needs a bit of common sense.

1. Use your instincts. We know you want to trust everyone and believe everything they say, especially when they're saying what you want to hear. If it's too good to be true, it sometimes is. More often than not, the person you've met online is just the same in person, but take your time to get to know her/him/them.

2.  Remain anonymous. Until you know that the person or persons you're interested in are the sort you want to meet, remain anonymous. Most online dating services allow you to use a nickname and send mail using only the nickname and your dating service address. Don't be pressured to "send mail to my private email" because you'll be giving our your personal details in your return address.

3.  Remain wary. Don't believe everything you see on screen. If you have any doubts, ask questions. If there is even the slightest bit of doubt, move on. There are SO many people out there that could make you happy, so don't take a chance.

4.  Don't be pushed! If you're not ready to meet someone, don't be coerced into it. You'll be upset and you might be putting yourself at risk. So what if you're accused of "not being real", at least you'll feel good until you ARE ready to meet in person.

5.  Spend time online. If you're not 100% certain this person is for real, spend time online chatting or chat through email until you're sure.

6.  Talk on the phone. You can learn a lot about someone by talking over the phone. To ensure your anonymity, give a mobile phone number or use a pay phone. If you hear anything that gives you doubts, don't meet.

7.  Photos. It's true that a picture is worth 1000 words. It doesn't tell the whole story, but you can tell whether you're physically attracted to this person. If the photo looks too good to be true, ask for a photo to be taken somewhere you suggest. If it can't be done, it might not be their photo!

8.  Personality flaws. If your new friend displays controlling behavior (needs to know where you are, is unhappy when you do things away from the computer), shows anger or anything else that makes you feel uncomfortable, then this person is not going to make you happy. If you're an outgoing, friendly man, a clinging, dependent woman will drive you up the wall.

9.  Be safe. When you decide to meet for the first time, tell someone where you're going. Take your own car, public transportation or ask a friend to take you and pick you up. These security measures won't last forever and if he or she is put off by them, then tell them to find someone else. There is never going to be only one person that you must have in order to be happy.

10.  Always be alert. Safety precautions are not only for meeting new friends from the Internet. These guidelines are good ideas whether you're meeting someone you've met at a concert, in a pub or at the grocery store. Just be careful out there. Romance Thru Poetry and Art SWM, 23, looking for a woman in search of a romantic poet. Has anyone already told you of the shine that sparkles from a kind woman's heart. The sparkle that no gold nor pearl nor any other jewelry can match. I can also paint you with your bare description of yourself. Painting through imagination. Just tell me how red is your lips and how sparkling your eyes are. You'll never ask for anything else when you romance with poetry and art. Write me through email or through post. I would love to hear from you ..

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